The more I interact with other people, the more I realize what a bad person I am. Do I look like a bad person? Probably not. Do I feel like a bad person? Very often.
Now let's break this down. It seems that what I find at the core of myself is the need to make sure other people know that I care about them. I don't want for a second for them to think that I have placed something else above them in their time of need, whether large or small. So then, even if my actions reflect a mostly caring heart, my heart speaks out against me to me and no one else. When you come down to it, there is a selfish motive directing the whole endeavor. I feel guilty enough (to be a catholic sometimes) or I think they might need me or I feel bound by duty.
When did I get away from truly doings things out of love? Now I feel the urge to clean this up for anyone who might now be analyzing what I have done for them and why. And guess what? I want to clean it up again so that no one thinks I am a bad person. The cycle seems to continue ad infinitum.
Perhaps I am making this too black and white and painting myself as one-dimensional. People's motivations are much more complicated than that. And perhaps it all evens out, and I am too busy focusing on my martyrdom for anyone to notice.
[1] Chambers, Oswald. My Utmost for His Highest. November 23rd.
Thanks for the post.
ReplyDeleteI am reminded after reading of why I have declined comment in the past. I cannot gather my thoughts and commit them in a way that makes sense in a comment. I need my own blog... Whatever is Latin for "even more questions."
The more I attempt to type here, the more I realize the truth to Augustines prayer.
Keep up the good work M.
Oooooh, Darlin! You strike me in the soul. We're so silly, aren't we?
ReplyDeleteI think I was 12 when the idea struck me that we're all just using each other. Sure, we're affectionate and care, but so often we just want someone to adore and to adore us, or to use for friendship. But it isn't ever as simple as that.
Still, there is truth to the idea that everything stems from selfishness.
I will selfishly wash your dishes because I know that it will make you happy and love me more. I don't think that it is manipulative. Is there anything that can be considered a truly selfless act?
ReplyDeleteThe thing about doing good for others is that it will always make us feel good. Is it wrong to do good to others because it makes you feel better? The Bible is silent on this. What Jesus speaks out against is doing good to others to look good in front of others.
Conversations...Love it! Vic, you need to stop teasing and actually write something or start that blog.
ReplyDelete